The Emotions of Transition

We usually just post about what is going on, but I thought today I’d do a more personal post...

We’ve been on the roller coaster of transition since July 2008 when we moved in with family, and kicked the training and preparations into high gear. It went up a notch when we arrived in Tanzania in March and continues as we learn the culture, language, and country where we now reside as well as prepare for the transition of parenthood. As we experience these changes here are some of the things I have felt.

As people choose to believe with us that God has a plan for the people of Geita, I felt humble and a sense of responsibility.

I felt overwhelmed when I first saw Tanzania. Unable to communicate. Unsure of the food. Out of my element.

I was encouraged as we met with other missionaries and heard their stories, their struggles, and their successes.

I felt helpless as I tried to learn to drive a stick shift on roads that are more pot hole than road. The independence of being able to get in a car and go where I needed was suddenly gone.

I felt small the first time I stood in Geita and saw the people we have come to minister to.

I felt accomplishment as I began to learn the structure of Swahili.

There were days of pure frustration when I simply couldn’t wrap my mind around the grammar we had learned.

It was a feeling of relief when those same things started to click.

I felt homesick and even lonely as the reality of being so far from friends and family began to set in.

It was a feeling of guilt when we left language school early beause my pregnancy was making me so sick.

It was a feeling of defeat each time I stood in the bathroom realizing that despite my best efforts, I was about to throw up... again.

I felt insufficient knowing that the things my growing baby needed- calcium, protein, vitamins, etc.,- I simply couldn’t keep in my body.

The feeling was panic when I realized I couldn’t get the few foods that sounded good.

I felt that special love that only a parent can give you when my mom said she had mailed me some muffin mix.

I felt like we had conquered the world when Carson made tortillas from scratch and I kept down 2 tacos.

When I think of the prostitutes in Geita and the prospect of helping even one escape that life and live a new life with the knowlege that her worth comes from Christ, I feel great resolve to survive the transition.

The flood of emotions changes like the wind, but praise God that He does not. The only secret that I have found to battle the sea of emotions is clinging to the fact that God led us here and He continues to lead. He has a plan for Geita and He invited us to be a part of it. So we take it one day at a time and trust that as we continue to ask “what next?” He will continue to use us in ways beyond our comprehension. 

“I must decide where I am going. I must decide where I am flowing. So when I’m filled with deep unknowing I’ll still see.”

-from the song Closer to the Moon by Alli Rogers

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

-Hebrews 12:1-3